Practical Advice for Choosing a Soulmate

Yet, there are certain universal principles that apply to everyone. Here are some of the most important ones:

Much has been written about this delicate subject, explaining a range of issues caused by interfaith marriages. The matter is actually quite simple: marriage is a union of two souls, which is only possible when there are two compatible souls.

From a Judaic perspective, marriage in its truest sense is two souls uniting to fulfill a holy mission. Both a Jew and a gentile have souls. Each has been given a unique soul that matches his or her special mission. Strong feelings and physical attraction may exist between a Jew and a gentile, but marriage — the perfect union of souls — cannot occur between two incompatible souls.

The Torah teaches that marriage is a union of two souls, which can only happen between two compatible souls. Practically speaking, those who enter into interfaith marriages turn their backs on hundreds of generations of ancestors whose commitment to Judaism made them live in ghettos, endure pogroms, and unspeakable persecutions instead of assimilating into non-Jewish surroundings. Many of our ancestors died to preserve Judaism; we honor their sacrifices by marrying within the faith and perpetuating their legacy.

When Abraham’s servant Eliezer was sent to the city of Haran to find a wife for Isaac, he arrived in a foreign land with the daunting task of finding a local girl who would be a suitable wife for his master’s son. He devised an interesting plan. No, it was not a beauty contest. He also did not look for a girl with the highest grades in the local colleges. Instead, he decided to find a girl who would demonstrate unconditional kindness. The girl who offered to draw water for his thirsty camels would be suitable for Isaac; suitable to become the mother of the Jewish people.

Undoubtedly, one of the best dating tips is to observe how your date treats waiters at a restaurant. If he is sweet to you but rude to the waiter — it's time to resume your search for a better half with another potential candidate.

Choosing a spouse should be based on who the person is right now, not on their potential. Remember, your marriage will last long after the initial attraction and excitement have faded. At that point, the glue that holds the marriage together and the love are shared interests and, more importantly, shared values. This is a frightening thought, considering many people have never seriously considered what their values are.

Before registering on a Jewish dating site, it is the perfect time to think about your priorities. Is a "Jewish" home on your list of priorities? What about raising children in the spirit of Jewish values? Participation in community life?

A Jewish home is called an 'eternal edifice.' The husband and wife are the architects and builders of this potentially magnificent structure. It is crucial that partners in this project agree on the main dimensions and purposes of this building.

Choosing a spouse should be based on who the person is right now, not on their potential. Not on whom you imagine them to be in the future.

True, there is always a chance that a person will change, utilize their potential, and bring it to life. But if at the moment your potential partner does not exhibit these signs, it is unfair to both of you — to marry someone who will be, when you are not happy with who they are. You want your spouse to love you as you are now, not as you might become, if and only if you change. Your feelings toward your spouse should be the same.

No candidate should be accepted or rejected solely because of family background. Many wonderful people have come from completely dysfunctional families, and many insensitive and hurtful people have had kind and loving parents. Yet, a loving family is undoubtedly an important factor when looking for a spouse. A child raised in a harmonious and loving family where parents respected themselves, each other, and their children, will most likely create a family following the same ethic.

However, if you are faced with a choice between a person of impeccable origin but questionable values, and a person with obvious integrity who lacks an outstanding pedigree, the latter would be the obvious choice. The notoriety of a chef, undoubtedly, matters when choosing a restaurant, but as the English say: 'the proof of the pudding is in the eating.'

Too many people remain single simply because they are waiting to meet Mr. or Miss Perfect. While certain qualities should remain non-negotiable - such as those mentioned above, a person should be willing to compromise regarding other, non-essential preferences. Examples of 'negotiable' qualities are: appearance, career choice, political views, and nationality.

One should not exclude dating people because they have a certain body type, hair color, eye color, or profession. Too many people remain single simply because they are waiting to meet Mr. or Miss Perfect. While some qualities should remain non-negotiable, as mentioned above, be prepared to compromise on other non-essential preferences. Some examples of ‘negotiable’ qualities: appearance, career choice, political views, and nationality.

In short, do not exclude dating people just because they have a certain body type, hair color, or eyes, or profession. Often people are surprised to find that they can be deeply attracted to and deeply love a person who does not exactly match their initial idea of the perfect spouse.

When buying a house, the most important factor to consider is its structural integrity. Once it's clear that the house won't collapse due to a shaky foundation or poor construction, you move on to decor and layout. And if you're not building a house from scratch - an option not available to spouses, no one will ever find a home that exactly matches his list of desires.

No one is perfect. The person who meets all your major criteria and most of your minor preferences is the one you should seriously consider.

When searching for a suitable health insurance plan, it is wise to have a list of services that you expect from a provider. The search ends as soon as you find a provider who meets your needs at a price that is within your range of possibilities.

A spouse is not a health insurance plan.

A person may be perfect on paper — kind, sweet, pious, and impeccably honest, but if there is no mutual attraction and pull to each other, if there is no 'spark,' then this person will be a loving spouse — for someone else.

Sometimes it takes some time for 'chemistry' to appear. This does not mean that love to the spine is a necessary condition for making a decision. It simply means that both should enjoy communicating with each other. There should be excitement about the prospect of communicating together. True love can and will develop even after marriage. If otherwise, this person is very compatible, don't give up too quickly. Perhaps one or two more dates will lead to mutual attraction. But don't spend too much energy on a possible disappointment. If after a reasonable number of meetings the spark has not appeared, it's time to move on.

There are also certain halachic (Jewish laws) issues that must be considered when choosing a spouse. The main one is the prohibition of a kohen (priest) to marry certain women, for example, a divorced woman, and it is important to make sure that your potential spouse has received a valid get (Jewish divorce certificate) from all previous marriages.