Shidduch - Jewish Dating

Our era of high technology sets its own rules for Jewish dating. Now, there are large online databases of shidduchim, and in place of traditional shadchans come Jewish dating sites. This has its advantages, as the internet allows for obtaining detailed information about potential grooms or brides without the arduous journeys through the desert on camels. In their classical form, shidduchim today remain mainly in Orthodox and ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities, which limit Internet access for their members. In Orthodox Jewish families, it is the parents of the bride or groom who directly contact a respected community shadchan (typically a rabbi or his wife the rebbetzin). In all Jewish communities, the shadchan is held in high esteem, but his choice is, however, not unchallengeable from the youngsters' point of view. The ultimate right of choice remains with them. However, even today, it happens that shidduchim are determined in childhood or at a very young age. In the first years of a child's life, their relatives decide which family's descendant he or she is destined to join. This usually occurs in extremely religious families with dynastic traditions, where the issue of marriage is primarily a matter of continuing the dynasty. In such families, personal wishes of the groom and bride take a back seat. And although the young man and woman, for whom everything has already been decided by their parents, still have a slight right to a personal opinion, the union, predetermined in infancy, is often destined to be fulfilled.

In less closed, but also believing families, the selection of the second half can be done not only by the father and mother but also by the young man and woman themselves. This is completely natural, and Jews are absolutely not ashamed of it. Everything is done by the same program: turning to a shadchan, choosing a groom or bride, chuppah (Jewish wedding ceremony). At the same time, it is very important to clearly describe your requests to the shadchan even before approaching them.

For a successful shidduch, it is necessary to formulate your request to the shadchan as precisely as possible, for, when resorting to the help of a professional, it is completely normal to 'order' not only the spiritual qualities of the desired partner but also their physical appearance, education, financial status, profession, and even place of residence! The list of desires sometimes contains dozens of qualities, and the shidduchim (dates with various candidates) can last for several months or even years. Here it is important to note that the rules of shidduch depend on the religiosity of those involved. In the most strict form, no more than three or four meetings are permissible before making a final decision, with each candidate seen no more than three or four times. To refuse a second meeting, one party can exclusively do so through the shadchan, so as not to provoke emotional trauma to the other side.

All dates are arranged in such a way that no one feels awkward: even the time and place of the meeting are coordinated through the shadchan.

The ‘meeting’ itself should occur in a public place and should not be too long—you can sit in a café, walk in a park. Presents, bouquets of flowers, and other 'liberties' are not allowed, to understand without unnecessary emotions whether you like the person. At the end of the date, neither party informs the other about their plans, whether they want/don't want further meetings. The entire dating procedure is strictly regulated, and if another meeting is meant to occur, only the shadchan will arrange it.

If no marriage proposal follows the third or fourth meeting, it makes no sense to continue such an acquaintance. Although the first dates look very formal and do not have any emotional component, it is absolutely unacceptable to have several shidduchim and see other candidates simultaneously.

One might get the impression that shidduch is a very pragmatic and soulless method of dating, which excludes the expression of basic stirring feelings and emotional excitement that we so eagerly seek to experience before close relationships arise. For this reason, it is surprising that not only religious Jews use the services of a shadchan. In Moscow and Russia, for example, it is not easy to meet your Jewish half on a bus or in a restaurant. Therefore, many Jews living in the diaspora continue to seek their match through shidduch. For modern young people, shidduch is not so strict—a shadchan may simply pass on contact details and allow the guy and girl to decide everything themselves. They will communicate between themselves, set the time and place of dates, and meet, turning to the shadchan only as necessary.

Even if a shadchan's role consists only of finding a candidate and passing on contact information, it is customary to reward them well. There are no limits here: everything depends entirely on the financial capabilities of the young people and their families. Both parties pay, but only in case of success. The minimum threshold of reward for people with low income is approximately $1000, while the maximum payment can reach tens of thousands. The amount of the reward is usually discussed in advance. Typically, newlyweds reward the 'author' of their success immediately after the completion of the chuppah (the rite of Jewish marriage).

Whether you wish to try meeting through shidduch, a Jewish dating site, or want to try your luck—decide for yourself. In any case, in the Jewish community, almost everyone is involved in introducing their relatives and friends. If you are unmarried, regardless of whether you are looking for a partner or not—in the Jewish community, there are invariably informal shadchans performing the important work of matchmaking by heartfelt call.

If you are in search of your Jewish other half—'beshert' (באַשערט in Yiddish—destined bride or groom), try to use all available methods of Jewish dating. Fill out a profile on a Jewish dating site—perhaps this will help you find your person and open a new page in your life.

Excellent Jewish dating on Meet Mazal—may your dreams come true with us!