Shidduch: How Religious Jews Meet

Shidduch is a process where a man and woman meet, get to know each other, and decide if they are suitable for one another. This ritual not only makes sense—it is actually prescribed by Jewish law. The Talmud states that a man is forbidden to marry a woman until he meets her and she finds favor in his eyes, and a woman should not marry until she is mature enough to make a reasoned decision regarding her prospective husband. Future bride and groom must meet beforehand and give their full consent to the marriage.

According to Jewish tradition, dating plays a very specific role and is considered a serious matter not intended for entertainment. Dates are only set for men and women who have reached marital age and are actively seeking their other half.

The restrictions on dating are not a result of antiquated mores. Rather, they are a key component in creating stable marriages between compatible spouses.

The goal of Jewish dating is to ascertain whether the potential bride and groom possess the qualities and values that will enable them to live together harmoniously and happily for life. Thus, successful dating is an art that requires reason to dominate a sphere that traditionally and instinctively belongs to the heart.

From the perspective of Jewish religion, restrictions on dating are a key moment in creating stable marriages. Following this reasoning, the setting for a date should be conducive to prolonged honest conversation, and both sides should be prepared to candidly discuss their visions and goals for themselves and their family. Rabbis are convinced that a date in a movie theater, for example, does little to clarify and only leads both to an emotional attachment sooner than would be beneficial for their well-being, as it hinders the ability to make an objective decision. They are sure that if the mind has made a decision, then the heart should also agree with it. When both mind and heart agree that the two are meant for each other, then "let the celebration begin!"

Serious and purposeful dating lays a solid foundation for marriage. A marriage with such a foundation is more likely to withstand the stress and harsh conditions that will inevitably arise in the following years. This is the Jewish way, and such an approach, based on common sense and on centuries-old Jewish matchmaking tradition.

Today, as social restrictions on interaction and gender boundaries have softened, from the perspective of religious Jews, many marriages begin as casual encounters. Two people meet, a relatively shallow conversation ensues, sparks fly, and after a period of intense courtship and romance, they enter into marriage. The secular approach to dating has become increasingly focused on attraction and romance and less on actual compatibility. Adherents of conservative currents in Judaism believe that "love conquers all" is a dangerous proverb and possibly the main reason why nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, and we as a society have reached the point where a prenuptial agreement has become as much a part of the marriage process as the marital vows themselves.

What about those who are not yet planning to get married? Can they have "harmless" dates or even engage in sex before marriage? Does the Torah endorse such entertainments and pleasures just because they are not associated with marriage?

Kabbalistic understanding of sexuality sheds light on this delicate topic. Sexual attraction is a sacred calling of the soul that contains incredible potential if used correctly. It prompts the selfish individual to be selfless and serves as a means of realizing the Divine plan for all of Creation.

As with any powerful force, the constructive possibilities of sexuality are balanced by its destructive potential. Nuclear energy is a vivid example. It can be used to provide humanity with valuable and abundant energy, or it can become the cause of untold destruction and devastation.

Outside the confines of marriage, intimacy is ego-centric, not selfless. It is an expression of the body, not the soul. Worst of all, it can cause a person to associate sexuality with these negative qualities, instead of allowing them to connect intimacy with the spiritual and meaningful experience that it should be.

The less a soul misuses its sexual power, the healthier its marriage is likely to be. Thus, the task of preserving the sanctity of sexuality and marriage begins long before a person starts thinking about marriage.

The healthier the marriage will be when neither spouse compares their spouse to previous opposite-sex partners they had. Thus, whatever happened in the past, it's never too late to start approaching one's sexual life from the correct perspective.

Jewish law forbids a man and a woman, not married to each other, to seclude themselves in a private place. The subtle understanding by Jewish sages of the dynamics of sexual attraction prompted them to eliminate such places, which could easily lead to regrettable actions. Therefore, for believing Jews, the preferred place for a date is a neutral public or semi-private place, such as a restaurant, a hotel lobby, or a park.

The mitzvah to marry comes into effect at eighteen years of age. This is the appropriate age to begin searching for a suitable mate. This mitzvah can be postponed to a later date if a person wants to study the Torah without being distracted by the financial obligations that come with family life.

On the other hand, the presumed lack of financial ability to support a family should not be a reason to postpone marriage. He Who sustains all creation can and certainly will provide for one more family! A home founded on the right values is a conduit for Divine blessings for all its inhabitants.