The Jewish Torah on Finding Your Soulmate

In modern society, including the Jewish community, the question of marriage is acute. In Jewish teaching, marriage occupies a central place. This is clearly seen in the story of how Patriarch Isaac found his wife—a narrative spanning several pages in the Book of Genesis! Moreover, if you pay attention to the details, much of it is repeated three times.

The attention given to this narrative, which can be considered the first Jewish marriage, helps us understand the significance of marriage in Jewish thought. Let's explore several points that are particularly pertinent.

When Abraham summoned his servant Eliezer and commanded him to go and find a wife for his son, his first requirement was that she must come from the right family. The word 'family' in this sense can be translated as: she must be Jewish.

Abraham was a descendant of Shem, Noah's chosen son. (Shem exhibited sensitivity and modesty in the story when his father was drunk and naked, and therefore received a special blessing). Canaan, on the other hand, Noah's grandson, exhibited rudeness and impoliteness.

Abraham lived among the descendants of Canaan, but he wanted to ensure that his son's wife would come from his own family, the family of Shem. For this, he sent Eliezer East to find a wife for his beloved son from his family's descendants. "Do not take a wife for my son from the Canaanite girls... but go to my homeland..." In different periods of our history, and today more than ever, the question "Is she (or he) Jewish?" is paramount. Marriage is an expression of deep personal identity—as is the fact of being Jewish.

Then Eliezer was left to his own devices in choosing a mate for Isaac. What did he do first? He prayed. One cannot hope to succeed in anything without Divine help. When it comes to marriage, whether it's your own or your children's, it's especially necessary!

Eliezer did not look for wealth, but he did look for personal qualities such as generosity and kindness. A girl who spontaneously offers to give water to ten thirsty camels that have just crossed the desert is just right. Here one can see the image of the ideal Jewish wife and mother: kind, hospitable, energetic. Throughout the centuries, this aspect of feminine grace has held a central place in Jewish life.

Eliezer made gifts to Rebecca: a gold ring weighing half a shekel and two bracelets of ten gold shekels each. The sages tell us that they correspond to the half-shekel donations that the Jewish people subsequently made and the two Tablets of the Law with the Ten Commandments. This brings to mind charity and adherence to Jewish law.

On the Tablets of the Law, the words are engraved, they are the very essence of the stone. Similarly, Eliezer's gift speaks to the idea that Jewish teaching should be part of the very fabric of the home and marriage. This is the best recipe for healthy and lasting relationships.

Marriage is a spiritual bond. The sages assert that even before birth, a husband and wife are two halves of one soul. Through marriage, each connects with their literal "other half," thus revealing their true essence. Kabbalists tell us that father, mother, son, and daughter make up the four letters of the Divine name. A prosperous family is a manifestation of Divinity in this world, dwelling in the sanctuary of the Jewish home.

A sage once said that the most difficult question is the one that has a simple answer.

Because a simple answer is the most difficult answer, which is hard to accept. A simple answer seems an insult to our intelligence, a mockery of our dilemma. But often the most profound question or the most pressing problem has a simple solution.

Who to marry? No other decision that you make in your life will affect you so deeply and irrevocably, for better or for worse, as this. And no other decision will be made under such tense circumstances and in such a subjective emotional state as this.

So what does the Torah, which a Jew considers as God's "blueprint of creation" and his own guide to life, say about what to look for in a person you intend to take as your life partner? It's all very simple.

The first marriage we read about in the Torah is the marriage of Adam and Eve. Their marriage, of course, was an ideal "custom-made" marriage: God Himself created the bride and introduced her to the groom. When Adam said to Eve, "You are the only woman in the world for me," she knew he was telling the truth. Here it is discussed how to treat a spouse once you are already married, but not so much guidance on how to choose a husband or wife.

The next marriage described in the Torah occurred several thousand years later - the marriage of Isaac and Rebecca. By that time the choice was already more serious - it was necessary to choose a bride for Isaac. Abraham decided not to send his son, but to send his trusted servant Eliezer.

Eliezer loaded ten camels of his master with goods and gifts (a generous dowry never hurts) and went to Abraham's hometown of Haran (good family connections never hurt either). Then he prayed (this always helps). Then he put his plan into action.

He waited at the village well. It was evening, and the young women of the village came to draw water. His plan was this: he would ask a girl for water from her pitcher. If she says: "Help yourself to water, buddy" - then she is not suitable as a wife. If she says: "Please, drink," it's better, but still not what we're looking for. If she says: "Drink, my lord, and I will give your camels drink too" - she's the one.

Numerous commentaries have been written on the story of Rebecca at the well. Many profound thoughts have been extracted from the 67 verses of the Torah narrating Eliezer's mission. But one answer shines among them for its pristine simplicity: choose a person with a kind heart.

1) What good qualities to look for in a shidduch - Jewish dating? The answer lies in the fact that first and foremost the person must be trustworthy, so that he can be fully trusted in all his promises regarding the creation of a true Jewish home. The maximum confidence that he is indeed such a person is when he is religious, and his entire life, in all aspects of his daily life, is guided by the Torah and the commandments. Because in that case, you can be absolutely sure that he is not just guided by the opinion of other people, but sees in these things a sacred commandment, a commandment of God. Having established this first and primary quality, you can also consider what other qualities the person has.

2) How can you know a person before marriage? The answer lies in the fact that it is absolutely true that you cannot know a person before and after marriage. However, he can be adequately known by observing the aforementioned initial quality. And this can be known indirectly, besides what he himself reveals. In other words, you can learn about his family background, his upbringing and education, and also about his behavior in everyday life. After all, a person's character is a combination of all these factors and influences.

One more important point: if there is always a need for God's blessing, all the more so in the matter of Jewish marriage, which will last a lifetime. The way to obtain blessings, as clearly stated in the Torah, is as follows: "If you will walk in My laws and keep My commandments and do them" ("אִם בְּחֻקֹּתַי תֵּלֵכוּ וְאֶת מִצְו‍ֹתַי תִּשְׁמְרוּ וַעֲשִׂיתֶם אֹתָם."). - Thus go after all the good things, not only spiritual but also material. And although a person is expected to do everything in order in accordance with the established local custom in circles observing the Torah, it is worth remembering that the blessing from God, as written. "And in your will the Lord, your God, in everything that you do" ("וּבֵֽרַכְךָ֙ יה' אֱלֹקיךָ בְּכֹ֖ל אֲשֶׁ֥ר תַּעֲשֶֽׂה"). Therefore, any additional effort in matters of the Torah and mitzvot will bring you an additional measure of divine blessing.